Friday, October 29, 2010

Results in

I'm not pregnant.

It's so hard to type that.  I can barely see the screen because I've been crying.  This just seems wrong, surreal.  Everything has gone so great during this whole process.  Why did this have to happen? 

I'm not sure what's next.  I'm not sure if Tracy and Branden will want to try another round with me--the ball is in their court.  I will for sure continue to update this blog as whatever happens, happens.

Thank you to my followers on this blog.  Please keep "following"--who knows what's next??

Still Waiting.

Had my blood work at 7:00 am this morning.

It's no 11:39 with no call.

Waiting blows.

I'm anticipating a call that goes something like this "Jesse, it's the clinic.  We got your results back and I'm sorry to say you're not pregnant.  You can stop your meds now."

That's what I'm expecting and I hope it's different, but I'm afraid it won't be.  I seriously am saddened.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Tomorrow. The BETA.

So yeah, I've been bummed.  Totally bummed.  I should not have POAS.

The BETA is tomorrow. So we'll find out for sure tomorrow.

I'm such a wreck of emotions right now.  I'll blame SOME of that on the hormones and the fact that mine are all effed up right now.  But seriously, a negative pregnancy test when you really really really want a positive one is a downer.  I've never had a negative pregnancy test in all the 8000 that I've taken over the years (and I'm not even exaggerating....)

Tracy (the IM-Intended Mother) has been awesome this past week.  Asking me how I'm feeling almost daily and just being totally positive about things.  I want so bad to wish that she knows something I don't.  Like when I had my estrogen and progesterone levels drawn on Monday, maybe they took an HcG level and it was high and they called Tracy and told her but decided to keep it from me.  Yeah, I think like that.  I want that to be reality.

I had a VERY vivid dream last night that I had 2 nice lines on a test. Like, so much that I woke up and smiled...and then realized I hadn't had those 2 lines.  Maybe the dream means something?  Who knows....

I took another test tonight (I know, I know) and it was the Equate (Wal-Mart) brand.  The other tests I used were either Internet cheapies or dollar store.  Well, I got a very very very very very faint (like barely visible) line.  A line is a line....right?  Or maybe I just thought I saw a line?  Ug.

So, tomorrow morning at 7:00 am I will have the most important blood draw of the many many many that I've had over the course of the last 6 months. 

Please pray, do a pregnancy dance-whatever.  Anything to help.

Thank you.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I did, but shouldn't have.

Okay, I feel like stoning myself.

I tested.  Yesterday.

And it was negative.

Yes, I'm TOTALLY bummed out.  TOTALLY. I shouldn't have tested.  I shouldn't have.

I know, I know...it's still early.  It was 5 days past transfer.  Early, right?

So, I'm going to do whatever I can to hold off on testing again.  I just don't want to be bummed even more than I am.

:(

Monday, October 25, 2010

More waiting....and waiting....and did I mention waiting?

I had a blood draw today...was kinda hoping the numbers would tell us something...but I don't think they do.

PROGESTERONE
Date of Transfer (10/20): 11.7
Today (10/25): 27

ESTROGEN
Date of Transfer (10/20): 203
Today (10/25): 275

They want my estrogen over 200, so I have to bump up those pills...which kinda stinks because that's the stuff I think gave me the nausea and headaches. :(  Oh well....will be worth it.

I'm not quite sure what those numbers mean, but I understand it's really no indication of a pregnancy.

Sigh.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Waiting = HARD!!!

This whole waiting thing is kinda tough....on one hand, I want to test today...but on the other hand I don't.  It's still pretty early (only 4 days past transfer).  If I tested and got a negative result, I'd be totally bummed...but then again, if I got a negative result, it's still early, ya know?  But if I got a positive result, I'd be elated. Do I risk it?

Arg.

I think I'm going to wait...Maybe I'll wait...Yeah, I'll wait...I think...

Friday, October 22, 2010

Transfer....complete!

Well, the big day has come and gone...what we've been waiting for since April is now in the past--and here's how it went down:

I decided to take this entire week off of work.  Partly due to the transfer and the fact that I knew I had to hang low afterwards, and partly because I needed a serious break from work.

So, we packed up the kids and went to our place in Door County on Monday (the 18th) morning.  We enjoyed our time with the kids and it felt good to be a mom, without having the stress of my job looming over me.

On Wednesday morning, my dad and step-mother picked up the kids in the motor home for some "camping" fun and my husband and I were on our way to the hospital. 

I was instructed to not eat or drink a whole lot before the procedure.

We got there at noon and both DH (dear husband) and I were given wrist band thingys.  I then got a blood draw (can't walk into that place without getting poked!) and were shown to the room where we'd be camped out for the next few hours.  It was pretty typical-but a little more "comfortable" than a normal exam room--maybe 'cause the lights dimmed.

I was instructed to drop trou and lay down on the table.  Nurse Sue (who was awesome, by the way) came in and administered a shot of something (can't remember the name)--it was a muscle relaxer and was awesome! LOL  I didn't get loopy, but just felt totally relaxed.  Oh, and the 20 minute massage I got after that didn't hurt, either :)

Shortly after my massage, the IP's (intended parents) came in.  Well, it's about time I shared their real names (they said I could)--Branden and Tracy.

After a briefing on what was going to happen, we were shown a pretty remarkable image on the TV screen--the embryo's:



Amazing, isn't it?

They have 8 blastocysts total and thawed 2 (because that's how many they planned on implanting) and both survived the thaw!! (that's really good--sometimes they don't survive the thaw).  They are all 5 days old.

After we got the info on the embryo's, we were ready to go.  I let Branden and Tracy stay in the room (they didn't see anything "down there").  Dr. Severino came in all scrubbed up and I assumed the position.  Yeah, that position.

I can't really explain what he did next, but I do remember him mentioning something about "cleaning my cervix"...after that was all done, we confirmed the embryo's once more (looked at the names) and the embryologist walked in with them in a really long tube like thing.  Dr. Severino then basically put them directly into my uterus--he waited about 30 seconds to make sure they would "float away" from the tube.

After that, the embryologist took the tube back to make sure there wasn't one stuck on there still-and there wasn't.  Then, we were done with the transfer!!

I had to lay back with my hips and legs elevated for 2 hours after--so all 4 of us just chatted and the time actually went by fast.

When that was done, Branden and Tracy had to leave, so they did--then Sue came back in and I was given my instructions for the next steps:

Bed rest for 3.5 days (Wed/Thurs/Fri/Sat)---and it's pretty strict. Like, I can get up to pee and that's about it.  It's been tough, and I'm only half way through.

My pregesterone level on Wednesday was 11.8 and my estradiol was 203...the progesterone numbers should go up with each day-and they want the other number to be above 200.  I have to have lab work on Monday (25th) and then again on Friday (29th).  The Friday one will be the pregnancy test!!  If Friday is positive, then I have to go back the following Monday and Wednesday.

So much is going through my head right now.  I feel like every time I get up, I'm doing something wrong.  I just want this to "take" so bad and don't want to do anything to mess it up.

So, now we're in what's called the 2 week wait (2WW).  I'm planning to POAS (pee on a stick) maybe Monday...so keep your fingers crossed!!!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

We transferred!!! Details to come soon!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Holy balls.

So yeah...had the big "switch up" of meds yesterday.

I dropped the Estrace to 2 tablets a day...no big deal (and, as a matter of fact, my nausea and headaches went away).

I started the Doxycycline, 2 pills a day....no big deal.

Then, I gave myself a shot of this:



I'm going to now call this PIO---which stands for Progesterone in Oil.

Had always given my Lupron shots in the leg--which was never a big deal.  Since I had the option of doing the Progesterone shots in the butt (well, right above the butt) or the leg, I chose leg.  I'd given shots there before, shouldn't be an issue, right?


WRONG.

I should have known something wasn't going to be as "nice" as the Lupron when I saw the needle:

Yeah, that puppy is a good inch and a half, if not more.

So, here is the process:

First, you have to draw up the meds into the syringe--okay, the "in oil" part should be a key--this stuff is THICK.  Like hair gel thick.  So, I used a 22 gauge needle to draw it up--then, I have to swap to a 25 gauge needed to administer the drug.

So, I read my directions one more time before I did it.  Sat on the foot of the bed, rubbed the spot with alcohol, let it dry, then inserted the needle.

This is where the "holy balls" comes in.  Yeah.  Ouch.  As I'm pushing it into my muscle, I can feel what I think is the needle hitting nerves.  So, I immediately feel like I'm going to throw up and start sweating.  Could I stop?  Uh, no--just had to run with it.  It sucked.

When you give this injection, you must draw up a bit on the syringe--if you see blood, that means you're in the wrong spot and just have to withdraw the needle a bit.  I, fortunately, did not see blood, so I gave myself the injection...and it took like 30 seconds.  Okay, that may not sound like a long time, but to me, it was an eternity.

As soon as I had that crap gone, I withdrew the needle and almost cried...because then my leg started to hurt really bad.  And it hurt all night.  Still hurts tonight, nearly 24 hours later.

So, a lovely person shared a link on YouTube for me on someone else giving themselves an PIO injection in the butt and I think I'm going to switch to the butt tonight.  My only fear is that I won't put it in the right spot...but I'm willing to take that chance than to have this leg thing happen again.


So, the family and I are headed up to our place in Door County for the week...we'll have the kids until Wednesday morning--then, my dad and step mother will be taking them and we'll head to the hospital for the transfer!  Then, I'm on bed rest for a few days.  I can't believe the transfer is in 3 days!!

I don't have very good Internet access up there, so I may not get an opportunity to update until the weekend...

Finally, something nice--I went to church today with the kids.  I don't go to church a whole lot because it's usually a pain with all 3 of the kids (and husband usually doesn't go because he's out driving limo until 4 in the morning the night before)...my step-mother asked if I would like to be prayed upon after the service--so with my dad, step mom, grandma and grandpa, I got a prayer :)

Friday, October 15, 2010

My last ultrasound was today...

...wow, kinda sad about that.  I'm not sure why.

Got to the hospital this morning with my littlest juiceball in tow (London).  I was sad that Jill wasn't there to greet me :(  A different nurse (Nikki, I think) took me back from my normal blood draw and then I went into the exam room and dropped trou.

Nikki, Dr. S and some other woman (a med student) came in minutes later and did the ultrasound--I was still measuring at 13, which is perfect!  They also measured something else to basically determine where they will place the embryos...I heard the number "8", but have no idea what that means.

I also got a call from the Doc that my Estradiol number is at 376, which is great also!

Got my directions for my next steps, starting tomorrow (Oct 16):

Begin Progesterone injections (use 22 G needle to draw meds and 25 G needle to administer)

Begin Doxycycline 100mg 1 tablet 2x a day (with food)

Decrease Estrace to 2 mg tables 2x a day (right now doing 3x a day)

They asked me if I wanted a relaxation massage before the embryo transfer on Wednesday...uh, HELL YEAH I do!  So, I'll get a little pampering before the procedure. :)

Transfer is set for 1:00 on Wednesday!!!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Let the countdown begin!

Transfer is in one week!!

WOOO!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Yup, another one.

Like I said, I'm getting good at these!

Had another ultrasound yesterday, but did this one at the fertility center in West Allis (which is less than 20 blocks from my work)--just more convenient.  So, I follow the normal process (blood draw first, then u/s)...but the doc that did the u/s this time (a woman) made me so crampy! I'm not sure what she did differently, but it almost hurt!

Anyway, I survived..lining was at 13!

I had valet parked my car at the clinic (because I had not been there before and wasn't sure where to go, etc...)....so I waited and waited for the valet to bring me my car...and it took forever.  Turns out he couldn't get it started! LOL  I've been having that issue for a couple weeks, but NEVER thought about that when I dropped it off.  OOPS.  He did end up starting it and I was on my way.

(stopped at Sammy's for lunch...if you're ever in Milwaukee and want a good Hot Dog (and I had mozz sticks too) go to Sammy's!!)

Got back to the office and got a phone call from Dr. Mark's office--they said everything was looking "fabulous"--my level was at 282 (and at this point they want it over 200, so all is good!)

I have the mock transfer on Friday!  Not quite sure what that entails, but I'll update after I have it :)

And, just because I want to spice up my blog with a picture every now and then....(which has absolutely nothing to do with the surrogacy...LOL)




I was thinking yesterday--in 2 weeks, there's a chance I could have a positive pg test!!!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Another ultrasound--I'm getting good at these!

Had another ultrasound scheduled for today--thought my appointment was at 7:30 and when I waltzed into the clinic all cheery, the woman at the front desk (Marie) says "Are you okay?"  "Of course I am" I replied.  "Why?" 

Apparently, they had me down for 6:45....

Oops.

All was good, though--Dr. Mark was there and they were still able to do what they needed to do.

Had my blood drawn and then went into the exam room for my ultrasound.  Usually when I get the u/s, it's only Dr. Mark and Jill in the room--well, today I had the norm and also 2 other women!  One was a nurse and the other was a med student--no biggie to me.

Had the ultrasound and my measurement was 12--which is great! I heard Dr. Mark say  "you're going to be just fine to accept a pregnancy".  WOOOO!

After that, I asked Jill for one more "please make sure I know when I'm doing when I give myself the progesterone shot" lesson--I think I'm all set now.

Got a call back from Jill a few hours after my appointment with my "level"---I still need to figure out what these numbers mean...anyway, it was 71.1, which I guess is good right now.  They want it to be over 200 by transfer date and we're well on our way.

So, here's what's happening....I bumped my Estrace pill up to a full pill twice a day, starting today.  I get to stop the Lupron shots on Sunday (woo!).  I have another ultrasound on Monday (in Milwaukee) and then I have the mock transfer in Green Bay on Friday.  I start progesterone shots on Saturday (the 16th).

Saturday, October 2, 2010

More meds

Well, I started the Estrace today.  1/2 pill 2x a day...Not feeling any side effects, so I'm happy.

Still have this dang cold.  Zicam appears to be my friend, though.

Saw something really cool today...



Apparently double rainbows mean fertility??  WOO!!!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Colds suck Part II

I got hit again.  This blows.  Elliot has it too--which makes me believe he got it from someone at school.

Seriously, is my immune system that shot that I get colds so often and quick?

Ug.  Well, nice thing is I asked Jill if I could take anything and the answer was yes...so hopefully what I just took kicks in REAL quick.