Sunday, February 13, 2011

This still stinks.

I know it's going to take longer than 5 minutes to get over this...but this blows.  Really. 

I've got so many emotions right now:  disappointment, sadness, confusion, hurt. 

Every day I try to be a good person.  I never put myself first (except during those rare occasions I'm maybe getting my hair done or eating a McDonald's cheeseburger--because those things make me feel good but don't happen very often) but my life is about everyone else.  So why, when I want something SO BAD (for someone else) is it not working?

I may not go to church every Sunday (okay, I know I've been missing a lot lately) and we may not say a prayer before every meal, but I consider myself a Christian person.  I believe in God with all my heart.  I believe that God does make things happen for a reason--but I hate to say that I have questioned a few of his "making things happen" things in my life, this being one of them.  The other being my mom's stroke three and half years ago. Why did these two things have to happen?? Why?  I know I may never get my answers, but I will continue to pray about them on a daily basis and know that God has a plan for all of this.  (but I still wanna know why...) 

I wish there was something I could do for Branden and Tracy.  I wish I had a suitcase full of money that I could hand to them and say "use this until it's successful".  I truly believe it's all down to money at this point. No, I haven't talked to them about that, but I just have a feeling that's where they're at.  They're both still young (35 or just shy of it).  We can still use her eggs and his swimmers and make this work.  A fresh cycle-that would be ideal!  It's just them coming up with the funds to do it.  Ug. 

Okay, that was a totally all over the place post...that's how I've been feeling since Friday, though--all over the place.  I just wish this were all very different.


  1. I'm so sorry Jess, I've been praying for you. Hang in there! Hugs!!!

  2. I know it's hard, Jess. Each day will get a little easier, I've been there. It's normal to question things, but do know that it's not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome. **HUGS**

  3. Know that we're thinking of you guys. You're all in our prayers.

  4. U can be all over the place and it's good to get your feelings out so take your time in your feelings. Still praying for you guys!

  5. It is about money. I just called to see what a fresh cycle would cost. I contacted the Oprah, Ellen and Maury shows hoping for a wish to be granted. Branden and I cannot stop crying. It is hard working in education seeing people who shouldn't be parents but have 5 children.

  6. You will never know exactly WHY things like this happen. There is a reason, and God does have a plan. I'm hoping and praying that there is light at the end of the tunnel for you, Branden and Tracy. Hang in there, you guys. You have a lot of support here. Keep blogging about your feelings, Jess. Don't bottle anything up.

  7. Hi there, I found your blog while surfing through various surro blogs. I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for you and your IPs' loss. It has to be so incredibly hard. I hope your IPs are able to try again soon and have their take home baby some day. Hang in there. <3

  8. A little behind on my blog reading, but wanted to chime in: Sunday morning church does not a Christian make...that is an obligation invented by man, there is no biblical command to attend a building every Sunday morning, so please don't let that weight you down at all -- be free of that burden!
    And I love these lyrics:
    "Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
    The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
    But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
    Cause I'm still here so far away from home" -- helps me deal with the Why's of life