Sunday, February 27, 2011

Now it's getting creepy...

And by creepy I mean creepy in a good way.

And what I'm talking about is this devotion book.  To be honest, when I was given this book years ago, I never really read it.  I didn't look at it daily, I didn't look at it weekly.  When I saw it on the book shelf, I may have read a page or two but that was it.  Now, I have it sitting out and I've been reading it daily and I'm getting a little freaked out...in a good way.

Here was today's message:

Hard times can bring the temptation to give up and become negative, depressed, and angry with God.  Life can be difficult, but God will always intervene and His help will always arrive on time.  God has promised to deliver you before it is too late!

Yowsa.  When I read that and think of where I am right now in my surrogacy journey....man, I get chills.  I think this book might have been written for me-for this time in my life-for this journey.

And this just confirms the fact that it's not in my hands...

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Confirmed...again....kinda.

Not that I really needed a confirmation, but I had a blood draw yesterday at the RE's office--they just wanted to "make sure" that I wasn't pregnant, I guess...who knows.  My hcg came back at less than 1.  Again...it's not like I didn't know that.  Heck, AF has already come and gone (it started last week already!!-crazy, right??). 

So, onward. 

(not sure where "onward" is going to take me...hoping to have some answers on that soon...)

Nothing else has really been going on in the lives of Jesse X2....I guess that brings up a question I have--do all of my very awesome and dedicated blog readers know that my husband has the same exact name as I do?  Yup, it's true.  I'm Jesse and so is he--same spelling.  And I'm not even a "Jessica"--I think my mom wanted a boy's name for me because mine is surely spelled the guys way.  Anyway, a neato fact on the lives of my husband and I :)

Some day I will put a post about how we met...it's a good story.  It involves a limo, Journey (the band), roller skates and a cheeseburger.

And today I will leave you with a photo of my hubby and I on our wedding day...September 22, 2001.  Just cause I love him.


(and no my ass isn't really that big...I was bustled)

Monday, February 21, 2011

An Attitude of Gratitude.

Continuing on this devotion thing, I read today's and it was another that jumped out at me.

It wasn't the bible verse that got me (though it was pretty good--Philippians 4:4-6) but the message that came with it:

Go to bed tonight pondering everything you have to be thankful for.  Thank God for everything--a convenient parking place; the fact that you can walk, see, or hear; your children.  Don't become discouraged with yourself when you fall short, and don't quit. 

Don't quit. 

I did speak with my husband yesterday about the surro thing and he's on board whether B & T try again or whether I go an agency route with a new couple.  I knew he would be on board, but it's always nice to hear it.

Other than that, just taking care of myself--I've been on a walking streak lately, doing at least 2.5 miles a day.  But then yesterday, it snowed.  A lot.  Like 13 inches.  So I wasn't able to walk yesterday (probably not today, either).  I have some excersize dvd's and will do one of those tonight in lieu of the walk. 

In closing, I'll ask that you read that paragraph above once more (in purple).  Read it for you.  Read it for your loved ones. Read it for the ones that get pissed off when you take their good parking spot-and be thankful you got it!

Adios my friends.  Until later...

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Devotion

I had a conversation with my father yesterday about a lot of things, namely God and his role in my life.  Dad had some good points and I disagreed with some too (not going to get into all of it here because it might turn into a novel)...

One of the things my dad suggested I do is read a daily devotion book.  I have one at home and thought hey, if it would make my dad happy to know that I am reading this on a daily basis, I'm fine with it.  Plus, who knows--maybe I would get something out of it.

Of course I didn't find the book until today-strangely enough the kids were playing around in our cabinet that has all our books in it and that was one of them that they got out and were "reading".  I picked it up, turned to February 20th and read it.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

This isn't the whole thing, but here's the part that got me:

If your gift is giving, then give with zeal.
If your gift is helping, then help somebody!
Rather than worrying about what others are doing, figure out what God wants and go do it!

So, yeah.  That was written for me.  All the more reason to know and understand that being a surrogate is what I want and feel is in my path of life.  Thank you, Dad.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Getting to know...me. Part III

It's a typical Saturday night in the Jesse X2 +3 house.  Hubby is out driving the Party Bus, Mario and Luigi (aka Elliot and Emerson) are playing Mario Kart in Elliot's room and big L (London) is cuddled up to me as I'm sitting here at the computer.  She can't get enough of momma (and to be honest, I can't get enough of her...most of the time).

Thought I would do another "getting to know me" post.  You can find Part I here and Part II here if you're so inclined.  Remember?  There's pink pants in one of them! 

This is my most favorite carbonated beverage.  Ever.


I'm apparently pretty confident.  I like to write with Sharpie markers. 

Every time Elliot and I play Mario Kart, I try really really really hard to beat him.  And when I do (which isn't too often), I rub it in his face.  He's 5.  Poor kid.  I usually shout something in the ballpark of  "mommy beat you!"  One of us is going to need therapy.


"The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost is my most favorite poem.  Click Here to read it.


I saw Yanni in concert in 1995.  And I liked it.


Stay tuned for Part IV coming soon!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

What to do...what to do...

Limbo.  That's where I'm at.

(fun Jesse fact-I used to work at a roller skating rink (BEST.JOB.EVER) and rocked the limbo on roller skates.)

Anyway, back to the other limbo... 

I want to be a surrogate so very badly.  When I was approached by Branden and Tracy, it was the perfect situation.  I could help a friend, fulfill my dream and everyone would be happy. 

I wish and pray beyond everything that I know that Branden and Tracy can take another shot at this.  I'm going to just hang out and wait for them to make a final decision.  I owe that to them.

But, let's say they come back and say "we're 100% done".  Then what?  Do I keep going?  Sign up with an agency?  Go to some surro classifieds and find new IP's?  Would anyone else even "have" me?

For now, I'm taking time.  I don't want Branden and Tracy to be under any kind of pressure--they need time to figure out what they need/want to do.  I'll be here, though.  Waiting for them.  While I'm waiting, I'm going to concentrate on me.  I'm going to try to become a more healthier person--which means more exercise, eating better, living life in a better way.  That starts immediately--I'm going to take a nice long walk in about 15 minutes.  :)

God has a plan for me.  I know it.  I truly hope it involves carrying a child for someone else.  Until that plan is known to me, I will do my best to be a better me.

With that, I do plan on continuing this blog.  It's still a "surrogacy journey" for me.  You may not get a whole lot of surrogacy related posts, but I'll do what I can.

Peeps-you rock.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

This still stinks.

I know it's going to take longer than 5 minutes to get over this...but this blows.  Really. 

I've got so many emotions right now:  disappointment, sadness, confusion, hurt. 

Every day I try to be a good person.  I never put myself first (except during those rare occasions I'm maybe getting my hair done or eating a McDonald's cheeseburger--because those things make me feel good but don't happen very often) but my life is about everyone else.  So why, when I want something SO BAD (for someone else) is it not working?

I may not go to church every Sunday (okay, I know I've been missing a lot lately) and we may not say a prayer before every meal, but I consider myself a Christian person.  I believe in God with all my heart.  I believe that God does make things happen for a reason--but I hate to say that I have questioned a few of his "making things happen" things in my life, this being one of them.  The other being my mom's stroke three and half years ago. Why did these two things have to happen?? Why?  I know I may never get my answers, but I will continue to pray about them on a daily basis and know that God has a plan for all of this.  (but I still wanna know why...) 

I wish there was something I could do for Branden and Tracy.  I wish I had a suitcase full of money that I could hand to them and say "use this until it's successful".  I truly believe it's all down to money at this point. No, I haven't talked to them about that, but I just have a feeling that's where they're at.  They're both still young (35 or just shy of it).  We can still use her eggs and his swimmers and make this work.  A fresh cycle-that would be ideal!  It's just them coming up with the funds to do it.  Ug. 

Okay, that was a totally all over the place post...that's how I've been feeling since Friday, though--all over the place.  I just wish this were all very different.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Bad news.

Bad news. Really bad.


My hcg levels have dropped. They actually dropped on Wednesday, but I was too upset to post it. I don’t want to leave you all hanging, so I am letting you know. The pregnancy is over.

On Monday my hcg was 203 (which was good). On Wednesday they had dropped to 163. There was a possibility of a vanishing twin, but I really thought my hcg levels weren’t high enough for that. Today (Friday) my hcg had dropped to 90.

I keep thinking I’m in a dream. A nightmare. This is by far worse than having a failed transfer. I was pregnant. It worked. And now I’m not anymore.

I am a firm believer in “everything happens for a reason” and this is no different. I just wish it wasn’t this way.


I’ve been crying all day. So upset. And this wasn’t even my child. I can’t even imagine what Branden and Tracy must be going through. To see those tests, to hear my hcg levels in the beginning—to KNOW that I was pregnant with their child. And now…

I don’t know what’s next. I would keep trying a million times over if I could for them…but there comes a time where money and embryo’s run out…

Thank you to all who have followed this blog. Thanks for all your support during the first failed transfer and thank you for your prayers on this one. Please, though, I am asking you to keep Branden and Tracy in your prayers now. This is not and was never about me. I’m not doing this for me. I was doing it for them.


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Beta Numero 2.

Had my blood draw nice and early yesterday morning at...

Oh wait...can I first say YEAH PACKERS!! It's great to be in Wisconsin right now!!

Okay, sorry--had my blood draw at 7:15 and got a call from the RE's office around 10:00--my Beta (hcg) was 203!!  They want it to rise 66% every day, so I'm right on track!  I'll have another one on Wednesday and then the big ultrasound is on the 25th...sheesh that sounds so far away!!

Progesterone and estrogen levels were good also.  Happy!

I'm having a little issue with the PIO shots...they're getting harder and harder to do.  I just did one and thought I was gonna throw up-I've been on them since the 21st and have never had an issue.  They're getting painful and I'm bruising now too.  Oh, and I have a golf ball size lump on my left bum.  I asked the RE's office about it and they said that was pretty normal and to use heat on it.  So, I'm gonna try it.

I have to be on the PIO until the 12th week...and right now if I calculate correctly I'm at about 4 weeks give or take (depending on what date you use to calculate)...so 8 more weeks of PIO.  Not looking forward to that.  I mean, I'll definitely do what I have to do, but I think it's going to be a bumpy road on that one.

Anywho, I have one more beta on Wednesday!

It's a work from home day today, so I must get going :)  Later peeps.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Go Pack Go!

Go Packers!




















That's all I have to say. :)

Saturday, February 5, 2011

I like food.

I do. I like food.  A lot.  I like to make it, I like to eat it.  I've been cooking away all day today and here are 2 things I made (getting ready for the game tomorrow!):


The Pioneer Woman-Salsa
(picture from her web-site)
This stuff is AMAZING.  It's made with canned tomatoes, but man, it's awesome.  It's also pretty inexpensive to make and very easy.  I highly recommend it!  Both my husband and I love it--I always have some in the fridge.




Raechel Ray-Meatloaf Muffins
(photo from some chick's blog)
I have to thank my friend Cole for turning me onto this one--it's awesome.  You make these little (very tasty) meatloafs in a muffin tin...perfect serving size, easy to make and YUM-O! 






The Pioneer Woman-Mashed Potatoes
(picture from her web-site)
Yeah.  You need to make these.  You'll die.









I also made my own, homemade chicken stock.  (Kelly C., you can get up off the floor now).  As I was putting all the goodness into the pot, I got a smile on my face and thought of grandma Rose--she'd be so proud. :)  The house smells great--it's still on the stove getting all yummylicious.  Now what to make with it??.....

Friday, February 4, 2011

beta beta bo beta

Yeah...in one of those kind of moods today.  Been wacky and happy all day.  Oh, and I'm drinking my first carbonated beverage since the transfer...a caffeine free diet Pepsi.  Go me!

Oh, you want to hear about the beta, eh?  Don't want to hear about my thirst quenching??  Well, fine then. :)

Had my blood draw at about 7:15 this morning...and kept my cell phone in the "loud" profile and on me from the moment I left the hospital.  Jill called around 10:00 or so with my BETA--it was 95.6!

I'm very happy with that.  Very.  That would likely indicate a singleton (which is what I wanted and I think Branden and Tracy wanted as well), but those numbers can play tricks on you as well.  I'll have another beta drawn on Monday and Wednesday and we just want to see those numbers doubling!

That number is also pretty much right smack in the median/average...and I'm 100% okay with that.  Sure, I'm an overachiever and would always like a higher number, but all I want is one healthy little bean to develop into a chunky little baby for Branden and Tracy.

My estrogen was at 257 and progesterone at 26.2, so all is well in those worlds.  I had to order more of both because my PIO expires tomorrow!  Thank you Fed Ex and your Saturday deliveries!! (I would have ordered sooner, but there would have been no sense in it if I wasn't preggo, ya know?)

So I guess you could say I'm officially pregnant!  Not like those tests didn't show that, but the beta does.  I'm beyond excited.  Happy.  Elated.  Anxious.  There's nothing more that I want than to give Branden and Tracy this gift.  No words can describe this feeling.

I'm gonna go enjoy my caffeine free diet Pepsi now :) 

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Dude.

Things are still awesome.  I don't "feel" pregnant, but I guess I wouldn't expect that for a few more weeks.  And let me get this out of the way--I did POAnotherS today, 2 actually, and got really dark lines.  I think I'm done PingOAS.  Really.  Probably.  But I just really love seeing that line show up!

Weirdo.

Had a good day today--had 3 new client appointments around Milwaukee, so it was nice to get out, get some REALLY COLD fresh air (like negative wind chills) and enjoy some adult people time.  My clients are awesome--I love meeting them. I love talking about work and life and kids and careers and caffeine...

...oh...caffeine....how I've missed you.  Since the transfer, I've not had one drop of the stuff.  And from someone that could down a McD's large Diet Coke in an hour conference call, I am going through a bit of withdrawal.  But no headaches, whew.  I've switched to decaf in the morning, which isn't all that bad--actually, whatever brand I got, I kinda like the taste better than what I was drinking before.  And apparently I didn't really need it to wake up because that's still been pretty easy for me.  It's the going to sleep thing...I went to bed at 8:30 last night.  I get tired right about now (inching up on 8:00) and that is really abnormal for me.   Lack of caffeine?  Maybe.  Being knocked up?  Maybe.  A combination of the two?  Probably.

So the big BETA is tomorrow.  I'm excited to find out what the nubmer is.  Is it near 20?  Maybe 200?  Maybe 700?  Who knows...but I will tomorrow!! 

Later peeps.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Day 7....my name is Jesse and I'm a peeaholic.

Yes, I've peed on a stick.  A lot.  More than I probably should have.  I think in total I've done 13 tests...and I have about 6 more left, which I will likely use between now and Friday.

I don't know what it is.  Part of it is a somewhat satisfaction I get from seeing that little line show up.  It's like a sense of accomplishment.  Like everything that I've done and been through up to this point makes it all worth while from that little line.  I guess another part is just "making sure".  Weird?  Maybe...but this is not abnormal behavior for me. 

Sadly, I kept every single pregnancy test I ever took with my 3 kids...and they fill a gallon size ziplock bag.  Why am I keeping them?  I know not.  They're cool, I guess. I never show anyone (cause it might be kinda gross to a lot of people), and I never even look at them myself...I just have them.

Okay, if you're still reading because you don't think I'm completely insane for that paragraph above, thank you!!

Anyway, so I have been peeing on the stick a lot over the past 2 days...and yes, the line is getting darker.  A sure sign that this is the real deal.  I cannot WAIT for my beta on Friday!

Jill called this morning with the results from my lab-draw yesterday and my progesterone was 21.9.  They want it over 20, so I won't need to make any adjustments to anything...just keep up with the 2cc's of PIO every night and the 2 Estrace tabs a day (and one baby aspirin).

Let's back track a moment...

I had a lab draw on Monday and Jill called me late Monday afternoon with the results.  My estrogen was awesome (and I can't for the life of me remember what the number was...I'll have to ask) but my progesterone was 19.3.  They wanted to see it over 20, so Jill asked if I could get a "re-do" on Tuesday.  Unfortunately, the lab where she wanted me to go was an hour away...and there was no way I could leave the house for a number of reasons...So, I went to a local lab where they do not do same day results...it was not ideal, but the best I could do.  (and Jill called this morning and said everything was good, so all is a-okay)

In other news, we had a mega snow storm last night/today (as did a lot of the country).  I think we got around 12 inches, but about an hour and a half south of us got over 23 inches!!  It was pretty insane--had the national guard out, freeway's shut down...crazy!  And we're in Wisconsin, so we're kinda used to this stuff!!  My work closed today (as did pretty much the entire city of Milwaukee), so my husband and I spent the day cleaning (and I took a lot of "resting" breaks :)

Well, I hafta go potty now...my name is Jesse, and I'm a peeaholic.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Day 6...you might want to read this one.

First, I would like to apologize for not updating yesterday (on day 5).  It was a crazy day and by the time night came and I had a chance for an update, I was dead tired.  So for those that were thinking about me, THANK YOU.

When I got home from work last night around 4:00, I peed on a stick...and I got this:


If you look really closely (sorry about the glare), there is a "+" in the left box...which would mean pregnant.  Now, I didn't want to get too excited because they have these things called evap lines and that could have been that.  Plus, I hear a lot of negatives regarding the "+" tests...so I was extremely cautiously optimistic.

I slept a good night and woke up at about 3:30 and took another test and got this:




This is a "FRER" (First Response Early Result) and again, you can see a VERY light line there, right?

2 hours later I took another (an Internet cheapie) and got another light line.

So, I was confused--a line is a line, but 3 tests 12 hours apart and all were so very light.

This morning I had to run to the clinic to get a blood draw--my progesterone level was a little low yesterday (I'll post about that in a bit) so I needed a redo.  I also had to stop at the store to pick up some things...so I picked up some more tests.  As soon as I got home, I peed...and got this:


AAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!

I'm beyond excited--not for me, but for Branden and Tracy!  I'll get the BETA on Friday (to find out my hcg level), but these tests are a darn good sign!!