Saturday, July 28, 2012

4 days ago...

4 days ago I gave birth to a beautiful little boy for a beautiful family.

4 days ago my life changed forever.

Physically, I'm doing great.  Mostly great.  I have no complaints except for some pretty annoying lower back pain.  I had some of this pain at the very beginning of the pregnancy, but nothing in the last few months--so why now?  I have no clue.  Will likely hit up the chiro soon.  Even the Ibuprofen isn't helping.  Other than that, I feel good.  I think I'm mostly caught up in the sleep department and that is fantastic. I've been pumping every 3 hours and that's going good too.  Now to lose this baby weight...


I'm still trying to deal with the emotional aspect of it all.  I'm taking these emotions day by day.  No, minute by minute.  My life has been consumed by this surrogacy process since February of 2011.  Once I was pregnant, I spent every second of every day concentrating on carrying this miracle child for the guys.  And then on Tuesday, I was done.

Done.  The process is over.  Just like that.

The guys have begun their new life with their new baby and I will revert back to my old life with my own family.  That's not a bad thing, but the last 18 months I had been so involved with everything, to go back to something that's not this journey is weird to me.

And here's where I can't process the emotions.  Should I be happy about that?  Sad?  I feel like I'm both...and then about 17 more feelings show up too.

And all in the back of my mind I am thinking...

...the worst is yet to come.

At some point, they boys have to go home.  And it hurts to think about it.

So, I'm not going to think about it right now (but I will in about 13 seconds).  I'm going to enjoy the time I have with them while they're still here, even if it's for a quick "here's some milk" drive-by.  I will treasure every second I get to spend with this awesome family and know that this really isn't the end of my journey, but the beginning of theirs.

5 comments:

  1. Congrats on the speedy arrival of baby boy! I think we can relate to your mixed emotions..surrogacy is so consuming, for so long that we allow it to define us...define our lives. And then when the baby is born..IFs journey is just beginning while ours is ending. It's not easy. So hugs to you as you recovery, both physically and emotionally. xox

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  2. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. It is strange to be so wrapped up in a surro journey and then for it to all end so abruptly. It's a good thing but it is a little sad. For me, I hated that the close relationship with the IPs had to come to an end. It had nothing to do with the baby. I missed the parents so much after the journeys were over. The solution? Do it all over again, lol. This is why so many surros do this thing multiple times. I am on my third surrogacy (and probably last) and I am already dreading the feeling of being done when this baby girl is born next spring. I love helping people become parents and I wish I could do it a million times over.

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  3. You're doing amazing, Jesse. It's important to know - right now, I know it feels like "the end" of your journey. It's not.

    Your journey is in transition and I'm here to tell you, although the next few weeks will undoubtedly be a roller coaster of emotions, your journey will get even better.

    Don't believe me? Here's what happens:

    At some point, your hormones will be all settled down, you'll be back into your day to day, and you'll see pictures, hear stories from the guys and you'll have the best feeling of all...you'll be able to say:

    I TOTALLY DID IT! I HELPED TO CREATE THAT! AND I DID A DAMN GOOD JOB AT IT!

    It feels awesome.

    You'll get there. Time is your friend. You're amazing...always have been, always will be.

    Love ya! XO

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  4. Listen to Jeni (and your other surro friends), for she is wise.

    We're all here for you to talk it out when you feel the need. I am sure it's hard to wrestle all the feelings you have inside.

    I also want to repeat her final statement: You're amazing...always have been, always will be. Not just for your part in this journey. All your life you've been a pretty amazing person and I don't see that stopping anytime soon. You may not see it but you are a VERY kind, caring and giving person with your own family, your friends and a damn hard worker that gets sh*t done at work. See...amazing person.

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  5. As someone who is on the other end of this journey (an IF) I can say a few things. First, I think it is amazing that you share these feelings. I can't imagine having it end so quickly and not feeling some sadness or mixed emotions. Like the others said, this is totally normal (or so I would guess). I'll also say that as an IF I wanted to be there for my surrogate and give her anything she needed to help "close out" the process. We don't plan on "closing" it completely. We send her pictures and emails. We saw her once with the boys and she will hopefully come over again soon to see how they've grown. But I wish I knew more about what she wanted from us because, again, I have to imagine there are some mixed feelings. It sounds like you have a great relationship with the guys so maybe telling them you'd love pictures once a month or to skype with them once a month would work. My guess is that they are feeling a little lost as to how to thank you and telling them what you'd like may be helpful to you both. Good luck.

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